A Chimp Off the Old Block
Friday, March 2, 2018
Just lying back in the dentist’s barcalounger, listening to
music I would never choose on my own, waiting for the novocaine to kick in. The
assistant spreads out an arsenal of medieval-looking weapons, while making the
sort of small talk meant to relax me before “The Procedure.”
The Procedure, this time, is the removal of an old crown, in
order to prepare me for the placement of a new crown, and the subsequent removal
of a certain quantity of funds from my checking account. A substantial quantity
of funds, but I’ve already braced myself for that particular pain. I have not
prepared myself the unknown quantity of physical pain I might experience.
My lips and tongue couldn’t be less responsive if they
belonged to someone else. The dentist suggests that I rinse, giving me a chance
to demonstrate absolutely zero control of my mouth. Liquids of various descriptions
dribble out in all directions… or, at least, in every direction except that of the tiny sink at my left elbow.
In a voice that I hope sounds casual, I ask how difficult it
will be to remove a crown that has been cemented firmly in place for two
decades. “It’s usually pretty simple. Since there’s a cavity under one edge, it
should break loose almost on its own. I’ll cut the crown in half to make it
easier to pry off the rest.” That’s pretty reassuring.
He starts sawing through the porcelain. It takes a long
time, and my jaw aches from being stretched to its maximum opening. “The
porcelain cuts pretty easily,” he says, “the metal underneath is considerably
tougher.” I find that considerably less reassuring.
He switches to a different tool, saying that—one time—he
went through a dozen #34 tips on one crown. I have a sinking suspicion that he
knows that I am no longer in a position to object to anything he wants to do to
me. The sawing continues. He stops and tries to pry off a bit of the old crown.
It doesn’t work.
The sawing continues, going back and forth between the tools
used for porcelain and the now infamous #34s. He says that he’s had to saw the
old crown in eighths. He resumes the prying maneuvers.
It still doesn’t work.
He asks the assistant for “the tapper.”
“The tapper” sounds so much better than “the hammer.” But it
is a hammer. It’s accompanied by “the
chisel.” For the next half hour, my hyper-extended jaw is twisted sideways from
repeated blows. At one point he asks me to keep my eyes closed, because a
flying chip of my former crown has landed just below my left eyelid. I’m happy
to comply, because—for a moment—I can relax my over-stretched mandibular
muscles.
Finally the crown, reduced to a small pile of shrapnel among
the dental tools, is no more.
It’s not the conclusion of The Procedure, however. More
tools descend into my gaping maw, grinding and scraping, chipping away at
whatever had been lurking beneath the old prosthesis. At this point, they
insert various devices and substances in order to make molds to be used to
manufacture a replacement crown. This means several grateful minutes when my
mouth gets to remain closed.
I wonder if novocaine is responsible for this surge of euphoria, or if it’s just relief subsequent to The Procedure, but I start
to feel good. It was the result of
neither. I am soothed by the attentions of a couple of members of my own
species fussing over me. I am just another primate, an oversized chimp as it
were, blissfully having my fur groomed by the rest of his troop.
Of course a chimp doesn't have to pay over a thousand dollars for a bit of sociable lice-picking. So who’s the smarter primate?
Of course a chimp doesn't have to pay over a thousand dollars for a bit of sociable lice-picking. So who’s the smarter primate?
28 Comments:
Effing ouch!! Double the pain! There is no pleasure...
I winced my way through this post. *shudder* I've been putting off dental work for years; reading your descriptive post makes me feel less guilty about it.
I couldn't stop laughing! Sign me Sickie from Peekskill
Unknown: Most of the pain of this event was imaginary... a mixture of dread and uncertainty about how much longer the experince would last.
Awanthi: This dental "procedure" was like eating very hot chiles... the pain was brief, but the euphoria that followed was long lasting.
Sickie: Few things are more amusing as another's pain.. or even one's own pain, once it's safely in the past. Happy to provide some.
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